Beautiful Tragedy- Rewritten
by adamarie19
Summary: It's been A year since Christian "Died" In the Charlie Tango accident. Ana's life has completely changed since that night. But when she discovers that Christian is still alive, how does she ever choose between the man who has been absent for the past year, and a man that she fell in love with while he was away?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One **

_A/N: There's a few things I really wanted to change with Beautiful Tragedy, I know a lot of you don't understand, but think of it as a book that needs revising. I hope you enjoy _

Walking through the cemetery, Ana felt her emotions already getting the best of her as tears began to prick in her eyes. Today marked year today since Christian died. She could still remember the day the police told her that they were stopping the search, that there was no possible way that he could find his way back. The day Christian died, Ana died along side with him. She was now only a shell of the girl that she once was, she lived each day as a zombie, she woke up knowing that it would be another disappointment, another day she had to bear the life without the man she loved, without the man she would always love.

They'd located Ros, not far from the crashed plane, but Christian was never anywhere to be found, not even his body. Ana remembered the first months of his death, refusing to believe he was dead. She'd convinced herself that because of the fact that they'd never found a body, because of the fact that Ros somehow survived that Christian was out there somewhere, lost and alone, and eventually he'd make it back to her. It took an intervention from the Grey's and her own family to snap her out of it, and even though she finally accepted the reality that Christian wasn't coming home, there was always that small part of her that hoped he'd walk through the door.

She lived with so many regrets, there was so many things that she never got to say, and a question that she never got to answer. It seemed like yesterday that Christian proposed, though she knew her answer would be yes all along, she never got the chance to tell him that. All she had left, was a keychain that said yes. It was like a knife twisting in her heart at the thought that she'd never be able to fix the regrets she had, she'd never be able to tell him how much she loved him, or how much she did in fact want to spend forever with him. She often wondered what it would be like now, if Christian was still alive. She imagined them being married, in a big house with more rooms than she cared to count.

"Christian miss you so much. I have no idea where the time has gone, Christian, you were my entire world and in one moment you were just gone. I never even got the chance to tell you how much I loved you, or that I wanted to be your wife, I never even got the chance to say goodbye. It hurts so much. It seems that sunny days are the ones that hurt the most, I don't know how to move on, or how to let you go, Christian. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I'm breathing, but I'm not really living anymore. When you died, you took everything, you took every ounce of happiness, and I don't know how to move on from you. I can't. When we read your will and I had found out that you left everything to me, in that moment I knew that I would always carry this regret of not saying yes to you before life could take you away from me. It was easy to fall in love with you, and I carry love every single day. Why did you have to leave me, why did that plane crash have to take you away? I miss you. I don't want this life, not without you. I don't want any of it." Ana cried into the stone, every word she spoke came from the heart. She just wanted him back, no life was worth living if she didn't have the man she loved to be a part of it.

"He loved you, dear. I hope that you know that." Grace's voice came from behind. Ever since the accident Ana had made sure not to abandon the family she found with the Grey's. They'd told her from day one, that although Christian was no longer with them, that she was still very much a part of their family. "He still holds the biggest part of my heart. How do I move on from that?" She asked out loud. The question wasn't really pointed towards Grace, it had just been something that Ana wondered from time to time.

"You keep inside of that huge heart of ours Ana. Christian loved you, and he would have wanted you to be happy. He gave you everything he owned, remember? He wanted you to be set for life if anything had ever happened to him. He wouldn't want this for you though, Ana. He wouldn't want you to barely be living, and isolating yourself from the people who love you."

"I just wish that I could have had more time. I don't know how to be around anyone, especially all of you knowing that he's gone, just being in Escala, it breaks me. I've not been there in months."

"We love you, Ana. We've already lost our son, we don't want to lose you too, but even though he's not here with us physically, he'll always be in our hearts. I have something for you Ana. I don't know where what it is, but Christian's lawyer brought it by this morning. I've got give him credit, he was always prepared for the worst. He directed him to give it to you if anything had ever happened to him, but he wanted it to be a year after the fact." Grace said, digging into her purse a pulling out an envelope "I'm going to go over there, and wait. I'll give you time to read it."

_My dearest Anastasia, _

_If you're reading this letter, it means I'm gone. And while I hope you never have to receive this letter, if you ever do I want you to know just how much I loved you in the time I known you. The day you fell into my office, changed my entire life and not a day went by that I didn't want to be closer to you. You made me into a better man, one that I'll always be proud of. One that my parents had been proud of. And that's all I ever wanted, to be a man that my mom could love. You are my hero, baby. You saved me from myself, and a life with you was one that I always wanted. And even though we won't have that together, I don't want you to not have that with someone else. I once told you the thought of anyone else having is like a knife twisting in my dark soul, but I want you to have happiness if I shall ever not be around. And if you happen to find someone new, that's okay. I want you to love him the way you loved me. Give him that beautiful heart of yours that I was blessed to hold the key to for such a short time. Don't give up on love because I'm not here with you. But if I may ask one favor, don't forget me. Don't forget all the memories we had together, it's something I'll always cherish with you. I love you so much and if you're reading this just know that I'll always be a part of you. Forever. _

_I love you._

_Christian. _

As she dropped the letter to the ground, she ended up in a ball on the ground as her tears came flowing, God how she missed him.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thank you guys so much for being so patient with me. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Have a great night. I'm sorry for the editing mistakes. I've just been editing so much that I barely reread this! _

"Are you going to be okay?" Grace questioned Ana, watching her cry while she held a death grip on the letter

"He asked me to marry him." Ana confessed, feeling the tears that were massively running down her face. Today was much harder than she expected it to be. She thought that after a year that just maybe it would start to get better, that she might start to heal, but the truth was that it didn't. Forgetting and moving on from a man like Christian was impossible. There would forever be a hole inside of her heart where the presence of him used to be.

"What did you tell him in response?"

"I told him that I had to think about it. We were going to see Flynn, but I already had my answer, it was in the jacket of his pocket. Something I wanted to give him for his birthday. I never got the chance though." Ana breathed

"You would have been a beautiful bride, Ana. And Christian would have been a handsome groom. I know that this is hard for you, Ana. It's hard for all of us. We lost our son, Elliott and Mia lost their brother. You though, you lost the person you wanted to spend eternity with. It'll get easier with time. You'll never be completely over the fact that Christian is dead, and you'll love him for the rest of your life. With that being said though, in time each day that passes, the pain with hurt just a little bit less"

"What if doesn't Grace? I wake up every single day with this huge hole in my heart, I can't let him go, don't know how, what's worse is that I don't want to let him go, I don't want to forget him, I don't want to say goodbye. He was the first and only man I've ever loved, I don't want anyone else. Ever."

"Ana, it's normal to still expect Christian, he was the love of your life. You have to grieve, and you can take as much time as you need for that. I'm sure in the back of your mind, Christian will always be there, however there will be a point in time will you will have to let him go and you move forward. It's not healthy to stay in the past, and Christian wouldn't want that for you."

"I know, I'm just not ready yet. I just don't know how to let go."

"You don't have to be ready yet, grief never comes with a handbook, it doesn't come with a timeline. Everyone grieves in their own ways, Ana and you don't have to let go or move on until you are ready. Just know that despite all that's happened, we're still your family and we're here if you need anything."

"I know." Ana whispered, giving her a shy smile "I've been asked out a few times in the past few months, but the idea of dating, it repulses me. I can't even consider it without wanting to puke my guts out. Christian was it for me."

"Just take it one day at a time, there's no rush on dating, this is all about rebuilding your life, life without the man you loved. You take as much time as you need. Getting over someone you love, it won't happen overnight darling. So, what was in the letter? If you don't mind me asking" Grace questioned her curiously

"He wants me to be happy. He was always prepared, it was letter for if anything ever happened to me. He told me that even though the thought of me with someone else is a knife in his heart, he wants me to live a fully, happy life now that he's gone. "

"That sounds like him." Grace commented, letting out an ironic laugh.

"I don't know how to live without him. I haven't really been living Grace, I've only been surviving. I can't let him go, and it's been a whole year? What does that say about me?" Ana questioned

"It says that you were in love. It says that as much as you want to move on with your life, you loved him. You loved him so completely with every ounce of love you have inside of you. And something like that only comes around once in a lifetime. And although you'll never love anyone the way that you loved Christian, you can build a life with someone, someday, you just have to want it bad enough." Grace encouraged Ana. She'd watched her in past year fall apart, she watched her isolate herself from the world, throw herself in work. She was still an editor at SIP, but Christian had left his company to her, and although Ros was now in charge, Ana did make the final decisions. She knew nothing about business, but she couldn't let it go. Christian built it on his own, and she couldn't hand it over to some stranger.

"I should get going, I have to get to the hospital, and I'm volunteering today. Can you tell everyone I said hello and that I miss them. Tell Kate I'll call her later to check on her and baby Grey." Ana said. Kate and Elliot had gotten married four months after Christian's death. They said, they'd realized just how short life was and they didn't want to waste one minute of happiness in this life. Ana had been an emotional wreck when she heard the news. She was extremely happy for her, but there was a very tiny part of her that told herself it should have been her and Christian getting married, not Kate and Elliott.

"How about, we all swing by your apartment after we leave here? It would be nice to see you Ana. I feel like we don't see you enough."

"I'd love that, Grace. You have no idea how much I've missed you all. And I know it's my own fault, but keeping busy makes me feel closer to him. "Ana told her in honesty, Christian had always worked hard when he'd been alive, and this was her way of connecting with him.

She later found herself in Escala dressed in one of Christian's old T-shirts that she loved so much. She could still smell him. God did she miss that smell, she missed everything she had with him. As she lay on the bed that they'd shared, the bed where she gave him her virginity, she began to sob into a picture of her and Christian from her graduation. How did this happen? How did every dream they'd ever planned just vanish in the blink of an eye? How did she recover from that? How do you let go of something that you need so much? It felt near impossible. She didn't want to face it, she didn't want a life without him, and she just wanted to forget. And forgetting is exactly what she had in mind.

Walking to the kitchen and searching in the cupboards and Ana found bourbon in a cabinet and in that moment, she let it all go as she poured her sorrows into that bottle. She was never much of a drinker, but didn't she deserve to let it all go for a while? Didn't she deserve to be free of the pain even if she'd regret it when she woke in the morning? As she heard the door open, she almost jumped out of her skin, but when she looked to the man stood in front of her, she froze. It Taylor stood before her. In the time of Christian's death all of his staff, especially Gail and Taylor had stayed by Ana's side, even when she tried firing them all. Though Taylor was surprised to see her at the old apartment she shared with Christian, as she hadn't come here in weeks.

"Ana? What are you doing here?"

"Christian left me Escala, remember?" Ana joked, downing another shot of bourbon. Taylor smiled as he made his way to Ana and pulled her into a hug

"How are you doing?'

"If I told you I was fine, would you believe me?"

"Not in the slightest bit." Taylor told her as they both sat at the breakfast bar

"I miss him so much. I've been trying to figure out how I'm supposed to let him go completely when I can't stand the thought of a life without him." Ana admitted

"You know, I've been wondering the same thing. He was more than just my boss, he was my friend, my best friend and the truth is I have absolutely no idea how to move on from that. After Gail and I got married, it started to get better, but the void was always there. And today it just hit me like the first time I heard he was gone. "

"I know that feeling every day that I wake up, it always breaks my heart when he's there, and not Christian." Ana admitted. She'd always liked Taylor, but ever since Christian's death, they'd become closer

"It'll be okay Ana. He'd want you to be happy. And you're going to get there, it's just going to take a lot of time."

"How's Sophie? " Ana asked, wanting to avoid any more Christian talk. She'd leave the Christian conversation to when she could cry herself to sleep in his bed.

"She's great. Such a happy kid. I love that girl." Taylor told her, compassion in his eyes

"That's great."

Ana and Taylor sat and talked for hours about all the memories they shared in Escala, but it wasn't until he left that Ana felt the sting of loneliness and when she became intoxicating, she found her phone and dialed an all too familiar number.

"Grey. Leave a message." The voice mail said

"Christiannnnn. " She slurred "I miss you. I want you to come back to me, please come back to me. I need you, I can't live this life without you, I don't want to. I don't want you to just be in my heart, I want you to be here with me. I need you. I'm learning how to live without you, but it's so fucking hard. I can't do this, I'm not strong enough. God, Christian I love you so much. And I think it's time that I start to accept that you're really gone. But I want you to know that I'll always love you. If I could bring you back, I would do it in a heartbeat. I want you back but I can't live this way anymore. I can't keep doing this because I'll never be happy if I keep hoping that somehow, some way you'll come back. Goodbye Christian." Ana said through tears the hung up the phone. Leaving the apartment was the hardest thing she ever did. This was her first day to a life without Christian Grey.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N:I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thank you for all the support of my rewrites to this story_

"Where have you been?" Kate interrogated Ana as she stepped through her apartment door the next day and through her keys on the counter. The whole Grey family was there. As she looked to their reactions, she only wished she could somehow become invisible, the looks of pity sat on their faces. That was the last thing Ana ever

"I was at Escala, I had to take care of a few things over there." Ana explained with sadness to her voice. How could she tell the family that were trying to grieve in their own way that you were finding it impossible to let go?

Kate said nothing, she just pulled her best friend into her arms, her baby bump touching Ana's stomach as she did so.

"I'm fine, Kate. I'm really sorry that I kept you all waiting. How did you even get in here?" Ana asked,

"Well, I did use to live here, Ana" Kate told her amused. It was the apartment she and Ana got when they'd first moved to Seattle, Ana had moved back in when Christian died. It didn't feel like home though, there were still memories that she had here with Christian. Memories that she couldn't rid herself of. She remembered when she and Christian had gotten back together, he'd made her that playlist, given her the car, blackberry, and even an Ipad back. They'd had some vanilla ice cream that next night. She remembered everything she shared with Christian all too well. How was she supposed to forget when everything she saw was just a reminder of the man with the Grey eyes, whom she loved so much?

"Sorry, I forgot you still had your key. " Ana told her as she went to sit down on the couch next to Grace, who gently placed a hand on Ana's as a gesture of kindness

"So, Ana, what have you been doing with yourself? It's been a while since we were blessed with your presence. "Carrick spoke up, his blue eyes, both compassionate and sad

"I've been working a lot. "Ana said, debating on whether or not to say the last part.

"That's good. Work will keep you busy..

"It does. " Ana told him vaguely "So, where's Mia?"

"She wasn't feeling up to company today. As you know, she and Christian were the closest. She wanted to be alone, well with the exception of Ethan, who wouldn't let her go alone. "Grace cut in to answer her question before anyone else.

"I'm sorry, Grace. I can't imagine how this has been on any of you." Ana said with sympathy. Sure she'd lost the man she loved, but Grace and Carrick lost their son. They'd nourished and cared for him from the moment they'd found him and adopted him. They had been Christian's parents in every way. A parent should never have to outlive their children. Mia, and Elliot, they lost their brother. They were all close, how could they possibly move on from this. The only difference is they didn't vow to move on. They were going to mourn for Christian forever as where Ana, was trying to take the next step.

"Hey, you lost him too." Grace told her with a look of concern.

"I know." Ana said as a tear fell from her eyes. She excused herself to use the bathroom, but rather than going to the bathroom she turned to her bedroom. She went to her dresser, where she opened a drawer and pulled out a framed picture of her and Christian

"I vowed to let you go last night, I did. It was my intention. "Ana said as she sat on her queen sized bed and touched his smiling face. Christian this is so hard, how do you let go of the person that you love more than anything else in the world, how do you do that? Because if I'm being honest with myself I don't know if I have that kind of strength. I can't, how do I, what do I do? God, we weren't a perfect couple, we fought and sometimes I felt you were too protective, but if it meant that I could have you back I would accept your over protectiveness and your need for control in a heartbeat. "

"You okay?" Kate's voice came in the room

Ana shook her head. She was far from okay. Kate didn't need to hear another word before she was rushing to Ana's side and throwing her arms around her to comfort her. "Shh. It's okay, Ana."

"Not it's not. He's gone and he's not coming back. I know that we've known that, but there was never a body, I thought somehow, and some way that he could come back to me, but he's not coming back is he?"

"I'm afraid not, Ana, but I promise you that it's going to get easier." Kate tried to soothe her, but it wasn't working. The fact was Christian was gone, and her heart would be forever broken.

"How do I move on Kate? How do I move on when Christian consumed so much of me? I love him so completely, even to this day, but Kate I can't have him. Why did God take him from me? Why? What did I do to deserve this? "

"You didn't do anything, Ana. I don't know why God does the things he does, but they all happen for a reason. Everything that happens in this life has a cause. And whether its good or bad, it happens. You have two choices, you can either let it define you and destroy you completely, or you can learn a lesson from it and regain your strength. You're so strong Ana. Had the roles been different, and it was Elliot who would have died, I'm not sure I could have gathered the strength to get out of bed, let alone move on with someone new."

"I'll never have that again. It's a once in a lifetime thing. Did you know that he asked me to marry him?"

Kate gasped and covered her mouth "When?"

"It was before the crash, I told him that I had to think about it, and I never got the chance to tell him that my answer all along was yes."

"Oh, Ana, you poor thing. " Kate almost yelled, as Ana laid her head on Kate's lap and she let it all out, she began to stop and rather than say a word about how it would get better, Kate held her best friend in her arms and let her cry. She knew it was exactly what Ana needed.

"It hurts so much, I can't contain my feelings anymore. He was my lifeline and my very reason for living and breathing. I can't, no I don't want to live in a world where he isn't here. Please tell me what to do Kate, how do I get better? What do I do with all I need to say?"

"I have an idea." Kate said as she moved Ana from her lap and pulled out her ipod.

Ana stared at her in confusion. "What are you doing?"

"Ana You have so much grief built inside you and you need to let it out. Now my idea isn't going to stop loving Christian, and It isn't going to help you through your pain, but it can ease your mind and help you move forward. Here "Kate said putting a notebook and pen in front of her. " Write him a letter. "

"A letter?" Ana asked, what good was a letter going to do when she couldn't send it to him?

"I know it sounds stupid, but Ana write him a letter, get your feelings out there and then let it rest. It's the only way you're going to truly move on."

"I guess it couldn't hurt." Ana said with honestly. Maybe it would help her finally be able to let go of Christian.


End file.
